It’s clear that scripture holds the discipline of self-control in high esteem.

Galatians 5: 22-24 lists it as one of the fruits of the spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

2 Peter 1:5-7 lists self-control as evidence of spiritual growth and fruitfulness:


In Titus 1:7, Paul lists self-control as one of the qualifications for the office of an elder:


In chapter 2, Paul goes on to exhort the older men to exercise self-control:


…and for the young and older women:


…and for the young men:


Let’s consider for a moment what scripture says of those lacking self-control:




These are sobering descriptions sounding all too familiar of the times in which we live. Self-control seems almost like a vanished virtue of the past.

Webster’s definition for self-control is: restraint exercised over one's own impulses, emotions, or desires.

Sadly, our culture’s conduct is a far cry from this description. Today, if we have an urge we splurge whether it be emotionally, physically, materially, or sexually — and no ones seems to question it. In fact, our culture encourages and even celebrates these fleshly indulgences.

Statistically, the manifestations of the consequences of self-indulgence are plenteous and largely on the rise. Abortion is an acceptable remedy to an inconvenient result of sexual indulgences. Obesity, STD’s, pornography, and personal debt are at all time highs. We have become a people that know little about self-control and it is literally killing us and our unborn.

Teaching your child the discipline of saying “no” to fleshly urges at a young age will provide HUGE dividends for their future and may help safeguard them from destructive addictions as adults.

However, be forewarned that instilling the value of self-control first and foremost starts with your own personal example at home. It’s easy to see how patterns related to sinful addictions and dysfunctional relationships can be passed on to future generations. Our children tend to live what has been demonstrated and then pass those same patterns on to their children…. and so it goes, repeating the generational cycle. Don’t let this fact discourage you, instead let it deeply motivate you to make a very prayerful and honest inventory of these patterns in your own life and then begin making efforts towards real change.

Next, begin being very intentional in creating an environment that fosters, cultivates, and rewards self-control in your children. But remember, it’s crucial that you have first established a standard for personal conduct for your home (for all members). It’s that standard for conduct that determines self-control’s mission. That standard becomes self-control’s marching orders.

We’re not talking here about a rulebook, we’re speaking of God-centered expectations flowing from a heart of love and godliness. Our culture sets such an incredibly low, nearly subterranean, standard for personal conduct. The expectations for goodness have become distorted as the world continues its slide into confusion of good and evil (Isaiah 5:20-21). Reject culture’s low, distorted standards and aim high — biblically high (Philippians 3:14).

Spend time talking often with your child about self-control and sharing scriptures that speak of its value. Teach your child what it is, what it looks like, and why it is so important. Hold their behavior to a standard that requires them to exercise self-control. Yes, they’ll feel challenged at times, they may even feel a bit alone in what you ask of them as their peers may be held to a lower standard but in the process you’ll be helping them develop “muscles” that will help protect and serve them into adulthood. They may thank you one day for giving them the gift of self-control!

And as for the unsaved child, this is a powerful means for them to realize the futility in trying to wrangle their flesh and bring it under control without the indwelling Holy Spirit of God which enables us to do all things through Christ who gives us strength. This is yet another of the many child training endeavors that naturally opens opportunities to experientially share with them the gospel.

Below are some suggestions to help you foster self-control in your children from an early age:

1. Resist the popular tendency of praising your child for what they are or for what they have: special, pretty, handsome, smart, musical, athletic, etc. Rather praise them for their character, for what they do. Praise them for effort and action. Reward endurance, self-denial, deference to others, kindness, mercy, and other marks of good conduct that all require self-control.
2. Share rich stories of historical and biblical figures who practiced self-control and reaped its rewards. There is nothing quite like real life examples to help your child emulate and uphold what is virtuous.
3. Teach the value of deferred gratification by encouraging your child to make a financial goal towards a wise purchase and then facilitate them working towards it. Teach them to work, earn, save, give, and tithe - all with an eye towards the future. So rare in these days.
4. Provide your child opportunities to sit still for intervals of time. This can easily be done when you’re reading together, having devotionals, listening to an audio recording, coloring or doing a simple craft at the table (playing video games or watching TV doesn’t count).
5. For your incessant little talker, provide opportunities for this child to “be seen and not heard”. Teach self control at the dinner table, while riding in the car, and during intentional quiet times at home where this child gets to practice listening skills and refrain from speaking. “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Prov. 10:19
6. Instruct your children before entering a store that they may not ask for anything and if they do you will provide them a quick and sure consequence for their disobedience - no questions asked and with no second (or third, forth, ad infinitum) chances offered.
7. Restrict young children from roaming through the pantry and refrigerator for snacks. This helps them understand that they are not entitled to whatever they desire and when it comes to food, you determine what, when, where, and how much they get to eat. This also helps them recognize your loving, providential care and builds gratitude in their hearts.
8. Never reward whining, angry outburst, moodiness, or manipulative behavior. This will begin teaching them self-control over their emotions and will provide great dividends when they enter puberty.
9. Consider doing lower-keyed birthday celebrations with simply a family dinner and fun activity rather than a huge party and a plethora of presents.
10. Make Christmas a time focused on giving rather than getting. Let your child enjoy the blessing of selecting, buying and wrapping gifts for others.
11. Cultivate in your child a heart of serving as a team. This can be done through family cleaning projects, simple service opportunities, etc.
12. If your child is going through a season of being highly demanding, say “no” often and firmly. This will communicate that a demanding “I want it now” attitude will never prosper and is never productive.
13. Create opportunities for your child to share special toys with siblings and friends.
14. Quickly put an end to any form of aggression and abusiveness a child displays toward siblings, friends, pets, property, etc. This type of behavior must be reigned in without delay. Your swift, sure, and resolute response communicates to all your children (especially the perpetrator) that abuse is never tolerated in your home.
15. Have your child learn the value of personal ownership by keeping their rooms, toys and personal belongings in order. If they lose, break, or tear something of their own, they must either do without it or earn the money to replace it.
16. If your child breaks or loses another’s property make sure they are responsible for replacing it quickly or doing acts of service for restitution. If it was done intentionally than chastening should be applied as well.

A child with self-control has learned to exercise rule over himself and, I think we can all agree, the kingdom of self is not one easily subdued. As parents, helping our children gain mastery over their flesh and its unruly impulses is one of our primary concerns and its neglect can be devastating for many.

Applying these suggestions and working at them consistently over time will facilitate your child's growth in self-control which will bear much fruit over the years to come. Your children’s future co-workers, friends, spouses, and offspring will be very grateful — we’re sure!

Tags: advice, behavior, expectations, godliness, intentionality, whining, young children, training, older children