Raising 8 children was quite a journey for us, to say the least. Sitting in the middle of all our noise and activity, Mary’s grandmother, who lived with us for years, would often laughingly say, “There’s never a dull moment in your home!”. There was a lot of truth in that observation!

Through all our noise and activity there was certainly pain and sadness but also plenty of fun, joy, learning, and growth. As parents, we grew through the sanctifying experience of shepherding children as we sought to “raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” in the midst of a lost and dying world. For our children, they grew up physically, intellectually, socially, and spiritually through all that noise and activity of their shared childhoods.

Through this joyful journey of raising these 8 kids into adulthood we’ve made countless observations along the way. One significant observation has been that raising godly, respectful, useful teens has now become counter-cultural. Sadly, we have embarked on a time in history where behaviors and attitudes that would once have been considered anti-social and culturally unacceptable are now completely acceptable and even expected. Hoping for anything better is seldom seen and now considered practically unrealistic.

Even more grievous is that these attitudes and behaviors have largely infiltrated the church. We heard a pastor with teenage children of his own once warn from the pulpit that if your teenage kids have not yelled at you and told you they hate you — get ready, they will!

By God’s grace, we can honestly say that none of our 8 children ever did either of those things. Not because we are amazing parents, but because, we believe, our expectations from their infancy shaped their conduct - we never expected they would or could do those things.

Parental expectations universally and unavoidably exist, every parent has them, without exception. They shape our homes from our kids’ earliest childhood, like a long ramp leading up to adulthood. If what you expect of and allow from an infant, a toddler, an elementary-aged, pre-teen, teenager/young-adult is rooted in our culture, then yes, you should be prepared for that behavior warned by that pastor — and likely worse.

But if your expectations are rooted in scripture, if your parenting is gospel-powered, if your parenting is demonstrated and done from a God-centered heart and motivated both temporally and eternally — then things can, and should turn out quite differently from the world!

Christian parent, we are not raising princes and princesses, we are seeking to raise Christ-like servants and warriors for the glory of God. Expect behavior consistent with that goal.

Ok, so what can and should we expect from kids, practically?

To help give you some ideas for your own home, below is a bullet list of basic behaviors and expectations we had of our own kids from their tween through teen years. These have proven to serve them well as they entered adult life. Most of the items in the two lists really applied to both age groups, we split them up to show the importance of impressing these particularly at that age. The expectations for our tweens, continued into their teen years.


For Our Tweens:

• Contributes to the household by cooking, cleaning, doing laundry
• Kind to animals, respectful of others’ property
• Only involved in activities parents intentionally allow. Minds their own business
• Entertainment is not their right or master
• They learn to manage peer pressure
• They attend church and listen to sermons and enjoy discussing them
• They respect their mother. She is not their servant or activity director
• Never challenges their father. If opinions differ, they approach him with honor and respect
• Never slams doors, huffs, or eye-rolls at parents
• Begins to appreciate their education as a gift and owns it
• Earns money and learns to give at church and save for the future
• Is not entitled to the latest tech toys. Video game time is earned
• Never acts impatiently or speaks angrily to parents — ever
• Never says “you promised!” or badgers parents with requests
• Expresses gratitude often

For Our Teens

• Resists a sense of entitlement
• Understands that driving is a privilege and given for the benefit of others
• If they drive, they run errands, grocery shop, and shuttle siblings - happily
• Money is earned. They begin paying for personal needs
• Technology is not a need, it is a privilege (a dangerous one)
• They do not own a phone, but uses one owned by parents for the benefit of others
• All passwords are known by mom and dad, there are no secrets
• She submits to her parents’ guidance on modesty and makeup
• They do not assume/demand parents owe them a college education
• Only date if/when they are ready to marry
• No secret circles of friends - parents and siblings are the primary relationships
• PMS is not a license to sin or to cause others to suffer with her
• She nurtures younger children and cares for others joyfully
• He is learning servant leadership, protection of women and children
• They are given opportunities to selflessly serve others with no payback
• They continue to honor parents and always speaks respectfully
• The faith of their parents is becoming their own — they are being readied for the real world
• Don’t get to retreat to isolated, comfortable peer-only groups
• Illness is not an excuse for being demanding or for mistreating family members
• Hard work is both an obligation and a privilege, no one is exempt
• Rules of the house are not dictated by nor manipulated by the culture or peers
• The outcome of their life is largely up to them
• Making eye contact while speaking pleasantly and respectfully to adults is expected
• They understand their parents’ faith won’t save them, they must personally respond to the Gospel.
• Continuing in faith requires they grow in ownership and development of their spiritual life in response to discipling
• They view a solid, well-rounded education as both a privilege and an expectation — they pursue it with excellence
• Consequences for their actions are theirs, parents are here to guide not rescue you
• Grow to be less of a consumer and more of a contributor
• Grow from being served to becoming a servant

So, how to get there?

If you read those lists and thought, "Wow! We are light-years from that!", then don't despair, you truly can turn things around.

Ask the Lord to show you how your own expectations for your tweens/teens are out of alignment with hope in Christ and confidence in the Word of God. Reject the predominant child-centered home model, so common today, where all things revolve around making much of our children and trying to win their love.

God's commands for children are to honor and obey their parents. Interestingly, they are not commanded to love their parents! Most parents in the child-centered home are working hard to win their children's favor, love, and approval and make their children standout in the world as winners.

The Christian parent, on the other hand, should instead be working to please Christ in their marriage first, then in their parenting. Their hope is that, God willing, their children will one day standout in the Kingdom of God, which looks paradoxically like "the greatest being the servant of all", "the first being last", winning your life looks like "giving one's life up for Christ". Exhorting a teen to take up his cross and follow Jesus makes little sense in the typical entitled, child-centered home and neither do the expectations in those lists.

Tweens and teens have the emotional and cognitive capacity to engage in a conversation where you can explain these concepts and begin a reset. Have an intentional conversation with your family. First, confess and ask God for forgiveness where needed for the state of your marriage and home — then, ask your family members.

Dads especially need to lead out here, you are God's assigned leader for the home, take the lead in resetting parental expectations and their implications.

You can't change everything at once. Think about what aspects and dynamics in your home are the most toxic and joy-killing for you as parents, then work on just those few at first. As things improve, work on other things in time.

In summary, here is an action plan:

1. Acknowledge/Identify what’s wrong
2. Confess how you’ve contributed
3. With Dad's leadership, come together as a couple in unity and humility
4. Pray together and ask the Lord to give you a new and fresh vision for your home
5. Gather with your kids and let them know the changes you’ll be making and why
6. Commit to carry out these changes…be prepared that Satan will want this hindered
7. Rome wasn’t built in a day. This may take time. Be patient but resolved

Charles H. Spurgeon is credited with having once said, "You might not always get what you want, but you always get what you expect." We have found this to be a foundational parenting principle, wise parents are continuously checking and resetting their expectations to align with their wants.

Be future thinking. Remind yourselves this is not just solving a problem for today, but also for making an impact on future generations.

Pray much, be confident, be patient, stay with it — remember, God is on your side!

Tags: exhaustion, mentoring, advice, guidance, beliefs, family, conflict, confidence, discipleship, spoiled kids, purpose, goals, discipleship, older children, godliness, training, vision, worldliness, disorder, hope