Forged in the Heart
Over the years we’ve been called on by many exasperated parents who’ve hit critical mass in their homes and are in desperate need hoping to turn their circumstances around.
You may know the feeling. Your home has spiraled out of control. It feels like you’re navigating a ship through a hurricane, blindfolded, and with one hand tied behind your back. The relentless rolling waves of domestic discord, frustration, and chaos makes getting back on course seem virtually impossible!
If we were completely honest I think most would candidly admit having been there in varying degrees from time to time. Our family certainly has.
While each family has differing dynamics and circumstances contributing to these seasons of desperation, they do share one important characteristic: they ALL need the same heart-tools to facilitate real, lasting change. No matter how challenging the situation, four important, essential tools must be present.
Unfortunately, these tools aren’t available at your local hardware store. They are neither given nor bought. Instead, they seem to be sought and wrought.
Thankfully, they’re freely available to all willing to have them… but be forewarned the forge which shapes and molds these tools in our heart is not heated by comfort, ease, pleasure, or self-preservation. Instead it’s heated by fiery trials, and adversity. The very things from which we seek relief.
I Thessalonians 4:3a - “For this is the will of God, your sanctification”
God is far more interested in changing our hearts than our circumstances. But then isn’t it true that it’s those very changes in our heart that most greatly facilitates changes in our circumstances?
So then, what are these heart-tools formed in our metaphoric forge that are so essential for facilitating changes in your home and family?
Here they are:
- Honesty
- Humility
- Teachableness
- A “whatever it takes” attitude
Well, my friend, that is the wonder of the Gospel. It’s available to all, it’s beautifully and gloriously simple, yet entirely out of reach and impossible to obtain without yielding our hearts and wills to the working of the Holy Spirt.
Let’s take a brief look at these four essential tools and how they manifest themselves in the heart of a parent.
1. Honesty
The honest parent is one who speaks the truth in his heart (Ps. 15:2). This parent willingly removes the rose-colored glasses and looks reality straight in the face even when it’s ugly, painful, and very uncomfortable. We call this “parenting with your eyes wide open.” While this level of internal honesty may make a parent feel uneasy, it is absolutely necessary for real change to begin.
This honest parent is done coming up with excuses for the condition of their home. They don’t attempt to explain their circumstances away nor blame others for how they got there.
The honest parent says:
“I can see that we are in really bad shape.”
“There are no more excuses for where things are.”
“Our home is not honoring the Lord.”
“Our kids are being sinful and as parents and spouses we are not fulfilling our God-ordained roles.”
“This is NOT good!”
Sadly, it’s not always easy for us to be deeply, internally honest because we have a problem, as Jeremiah 17:9 tells us. ”The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
What a predicament, is there hope?
Of course! The next verse tells us of that hope: “ I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” God searches and knows our hearts, he will show us if we ask. David new this well, in Psalm 139:23 he asks, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” and then asks God to lead him in the way he should go. Parents, let’s follow David’s example of honesty by asking God to search us, try us, show us, and lead us in the way we should go.
2. Humility
The humble parent is one that honestly admits they need help. They understand they don’t have the answers anymore.
The humble parent says:
“I can no longer pretend to be self-sufficient.”
“Lord, help me! Show me! Forgive me where I’ve fallen short, been selfish, and sinned against you and my family.”
"God, I trust in your ways and not in my own understanding."
A humble parent is one who is broken and contrite. Their heart has no room left for pride because humility has eradicated it. They are willing to cast themselves onto God’s mercy and care as Peter calls us to do in 1 Peter 5:6-7
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
A humble heart is profoundly beautiful in God’s sight, so much so that it is where He delights to dwell. Consider Isaiah 57:15:
“For thus says the High and Lofty One who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: I dwell in the high and holy place, with him who has a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.”
When I think of biblical examples of humility, well, there are so many but let me list a few. Of course, Christ is the pinnacle, the perfect example for us.
Phil 2:5-8
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”
In Numbers 12:3, we’re told that Moses was more meek than any other man on the face of the earth.
Then there is the Canaanite woman of Matthew 15:22 who while pleading with Jesus on behalf of her demon possessed daughter compared herself and her needs to that of a hungry dog scrambling for crumbs under the master’s table. Jesus granted her request because of her faith and humility.
And in Luke 1:38 we read that Mary the mother of Jesus, when the angel Gabriel foretold of the savior’s birth she believed and humbled herself to God’s plan simply saying “See, I am his servant…let it be to me according to your word.”
And to add a bit of urgency for grasping this first tool, consider James 4:6 and 1 Peter 5:5 which both warns us that God opposes (or resists) the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Humility is not something you either do or do not have. We are all called to humble ourselves, it is to be obtained by will and action. It is to mark all of God’s people.
3. Teachableness
A teachable parent is one who readily admits they need help and then gratefully embraces biblical counsel and any needed correction. This parent is hungry for truth and willingly seeks it out. They make it a priority to search out biblical truth through God’s Word, sound parenting material, and godly mentors.
They don’t take biblical counsel in an a-la-carte fashion. In other words, the teachable parent doesn’t pick and choose truth depending on how it makes them “feel” or if they “like” it or not. This parent embraces the full counsel of God.
The teachable parent willingly lays aside emotional comfort to embrace truth even if the truth is hard and painful. They readily admit where they need to change, even if their spouse or circumstances (outside of their control) has contributed to the problem.
This parent is happy to sacrifice any time necessary to receive regular, godly counsel to facilitate needed changes. They make it a priority and are grateful whenever they receive it.
The book of Proverbs is the book of wisdom and in it are many pleading calls for the reader to embrace knowledge and wisdom because it is essential to a life well lived, one that pleases God and is useful to others. Get wisdom.
We know from Acts 20:27 that Paul told the Ephesian church he never failed to give them the full counsel of God. I love that expression! Teachableness embraces the full godly, biblical counsel given and heeds it.
4. Whatever it takes attitude
I think the most clear passage on a “whatever it takes attitude” is actually found in Jesus’ radical instruction regarding sin, Matthew 5:30 and 18:8.
And then there is Paul’s praise for the Corinthian church as they dealt with their failings in 2 Corinthians 7:11. They were zealous to clear themselves of any wrongdoings.
A parent with a “whatever it takes” attitude is one that does just that: they willingly do whatever is necessary to turn their circumstances around. They humbly yield their rights in order to sacrifice, deny, and inconvenience themselves for the sake of their family.
This parent is continually re-evaluating priorities, commitments, relationships, activities and lays aside anything that may be an encumbrance for needed changes in the home…even those pursuits that they deeply enjoy.
They understand the beauty of deferred gratification. In faith, sacrificing now in hopes of a rich harvest later.
This is a parent that has an eternal perspective, looking toward the end goal: raising god-honoring children for the glory of God and to further the Kingdom.
We have seen over and over again struggling Christian families, whose circumstances appeared hopeless, embrace these heart-tools and begin turning their circumstances around. For some, the change has been immediate. For others, it has taken longer as they were much further off course. But for all, we have witnessed God in His perfect time redeem lives and circumstances bringing great glory and honor to His name.
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