Charles Spurgeon, the famous nineteenth-century English preacher, once said, “You might not always get what you want, but you always get what you expect.” A parent over a chaotic home might agree that what they are getting is certainly not what they wanted, but they may not be so quick to agree that what they are having is exactly what they expected! Like it or not there is a lot of truth in that proposition.

It may be hard to swallow the idea that our expectations shape our experiences, especially if our current experiences are miserable. That would seem to imply we are deliberately self-destructive by way of our own expectations. Regardless, it’s true, especially in the arenas of marriage and parenting. Self-destructive? Yes. Deliberate? Not really. Undirected expectations grow like weeds sown from unseen windblown seeds, and like roadside weeds, it’s hard to tell exactly from where they came but nonetheless the result is evident and undeniable.

Continuing with the weed analogy, anyone who has spent any amount of time tending a garden or a flowerbed has probably experienced the challenges of keeping things weed-free. It seems like no amount of mowing, pulling, or poisoning stops regrowth. Where do those pesky weeds come from?! Resetting expectations is a bit like that, it takes a lot of effort to overcome years of prior neglect but with maintenance things can manage to stay relatively in order, and fresh neglect is an invitation for regrowth.

If we want to change our future experiences, we must reshape our thinking and reset our current expectations.

It seems many of our expectations of our children have been set, or pre-programmed, well before children arrive into our home. Perhaps they are set, or certainly influenced, by the media, television, cinema, and, of course, the culture, which, itself is so easily shaped by those same influences.

I doubt any of us would arrive at those same expectations on our own, without the unsolicited aid of outside voices. Certainly experimentation and observation would deliver us an entirely different set of expectations. But alas, we do little of either since that info-vacuum has been pre-filled by others sources.

Another factor shaping our expectations is our own assumptions we make about children. We assume they cannot possibly control their energy or emotions. That they are not capable of contributing nor would they even want to. That they need constant entertainment and diversion. That they can understand and comprehend our words and instructions only as well as they are able to communicate them back to us. Oh, they understand vastly more than we think even at the earliest of ages.

We underestimate their abilities to do household tasks like clean the bathrooms, wash dishes, make-up beds, and do laundry at surprisingly young ages. In those examples, there would certainly be little incentive for them to voluntarily demonstrate otherwise.

So, what should we assume and what should we expect?

First, let’s assume that God made children generally smart and teachable, otherwise why would he have commanded us to teach and train them? Think how much they learn in that first year of life. The capacity to learn, and at a stunning pace, certainly continues past the first year of life.

In fact, they are learning sponges, they are clay for the shaping. What most parents do with this window of opportunity with the children seems more like babysitting, monitoring, or facilitating rather than shaping, teaching, and training.

Next, assume that children are capable of self-control. We use a much stronger, more biblical term than self-control — children are capable of ruling over their own flesh.

Ruling the flesh is what so many adults around us seem unable to do. Our prisons are filled with those needing external help controlling themselves because they are unable to do the job internally.

Assume that children are naturally curious, and God placed in them the innate fascination with discovery. Also, God placed within us the desire and ability to subdue the earth, as Genesis commands. Even children have a spark of that, subdue their own life, their room, their schoolwork, their athleticism - all are baby-steps towards the task of subduing the earth.

Now, with those assumptions in place what can we expect? Perhaps, more boldly, may I assert, what should you be able to expect?

The infant


The toddler


The pre grade-school child


The grade-school child


The middle-school and high school child


Whether you believe these are reasonable, or even possible - or if you do believe, even perhaps skeptically - you will still operate under a set of expectations that are your own. It is up to you to manage your expectations. May we encourage you to aim them high. Everyone will benefit if you do.

In any case, in the words of Spurgeon, we always get what we expect.

Tags: behavior, chaos, elementary school, advice, blessing, goals, guidance, intentionality, practical help, entitlement, expectations, high school, influence, middle school, older children, preschool, tantrums, teens, toddler, whining, worldliness, young children