What Your Wife Needs From You to Parent Well
In “Parenting Flows From Your Marriage” we shared that we’ve been collecting a sort of mental notebook around ways marriages can be self strengthening and in turn be able to deliver more effective parenting.
Today, we’re sharing our thoughts on the needs of a wife.
Husbands, here is how to help your wife parent your children well. Below are ways you can serve your wife by better equipping her to succeed in her high calling as a mother - of your children.
She needs:
1. …your spiritual leadership The degree to which you lead your family spiritually through faithful attendance to a sound church, praying together, and spending time in the Word, both personally, and with your family, will have a direct impact on your wife’s ability to parent well. This will fuel her heart and soul in a profound way. (Warren says: By the way, it is your responsibility to place your family into a healthy, sound, biblical church. Simply joining to anything that calls itself a church will not be ultimately helpful.)
2. …your listening ear A question posed to each person at a recent Valentine's dinner party was to name one thing we most appreciated about our spouse. Hand’s down, mine was (and still is) that Warren always takes time to listen to me. Never underestimate the power of your listening ear. Your wife needs to know that you are interested in her and that you genuinely care and empathize with her. She isn’t necessarily looking to you for answers, but just knowing that she can share her burdens with you will provide her tremendous encouragement. Taking time to listen is a loving reminder that she isn’t parenting in isolation, but instead, with a wonderful supportive team partner. Keep in mind, a stay at home mom often runs a deficit in the adult interaction department - you can help shore that up just by simply listening.
3. …your presence - both in mind and body This is especially important during those intense years when your children are young. Lots of personal pursuits outside of your home will create added burdens to your wife's responsibility and may cause built-up resentment. She needs your presence and engagement, and so do your children. Being home but with your attention focused on a screen doesn’t count. Your wife needs you to engage both with your mind, body, and heart whenever possible. This communicates to your family that they are number one in your priorities and it will provide huge dividends years down the road. Warren often created projects that intentionally included our kids. Many personal pursuits were laid aside during those early years in order for his primary focus to be with his family. The fruit from this decision has been monumental. Remember, there is a season for everything. Maybe not now for some pursuits, but later.
4. …a regularly scheduled break The best break is one that someone freely offers - guilt free, with no strings attached. Consider making it a priority to provide your wife with “alone time” once a week (even if it’s at home). You may never fully realize how this one act will put a huge deposit into the “mommy” bank account. It will help refill her cup to be refreshed so she can serve her family all the better.
5. …financial leadership Over the years I’ve witnessed many women feeling the burden of the finances of the home, left having to deal with creditors, making weighty financial decisions alone, and negotiating with sharks. For most, this drains the very life out of their ability to focus on parenting well. While it is the responsibility of every wife to be a wise steward of the family’s financial resources, it is so important that she knows you are the one ultimately in charge of faithfully providing. Knowing the financial responsibilities rest on your shoulders, lifts a huge burden off of hers. If she asks, you should be glad to shield her from having to deal with creditors or uncomfortable negotiations or from other outsiders who may be applying pressure. Sure, she could do it, but as the provider and protector, you’re built for the job. It may not seem like much fun, but better you than her. Consider this a real and practical way to lay your life down for your wife.
6. …truth spoken in love A wife needs your wisdom and insight to help guide her, especially when she is going through rough/intense seasons of parenting. Biblical truth spoken with a genuine heart of love will help provide much needed guidance when the going gets tough. (Warren says: Be careful to first examine your motives to clear them of self-serving or hypocrisy.)
7. …your backing When your wife is in the throes of focused child-training or making an unpopular decision, which the kids tend to push back, she needs to know, without a doubt, she has your total support and backing. This will bolster her parenting confidence. She needs to know that you will stand by her and present a unified front to the children, firmly sided with her, even if you have some questions or concerns in that moment. Of course, as a couple, you can always have a private follow up, offline conversation as needed.
8. …your example as a godly man One of the most challenging struggles for a mom is to attempt to instill godly character into her children when dad is living something counter to that standard. There is no greater blessing than to be able to use your husband’s godly example to encourage the kids in building Christ-like character. This is so powerful.
9. …your affection and praise We all need appreciation, encouragement, and positive feedback, especially mothers. The world so undervalues the work of a mother and especially the stay-at-home mother that she will get little affirmation for her eternally important work unless it comes from you, her husband. Tell her often how much you appreciate her, point out where she excels, and is clearly striving to excel. Genuinely tell her, “I love you” and deliver it with physical affection, a hug and a kiss. Do this in front of your kids and that will add extra confidence and joy to her role like little else can. This will also remind your kids how important their mother is to you and that she is your wife first and their mom secondarily. This will stir their respect for her and help encourage their ready obedience. It also sets an important example for them to follow one day for their own marriages.
10. ...protection from "beat-downs" There are numerous ways Satan wants to beat down your wife – your protection will make all the difference. Some of the beatdowns are the lying voices inside her head. Others may be the 'beat-down' she gets from family members and friends inserting themselves where they have no business. Lastly, there is the beat-down from the cares of this world that you may need to help carry for her during this season of mothering. The best way to protect her from the “beat-downs” is encourage her with biblical truth and willingly protect her from the destructive voices she faces.
11. …your genuine esteem of her role A mother’s role is often a thankless, 24/7 “behind the scenes” job that sadly, our culture seems to esteem, less and less. Knowing that you hold her role as your wife and the mother of your children as something precious and of great value will help spur her on to faithfully parent well. Remember, gratefully, she left her father and mother’s home and their identity behind for yours. As your wife, she has become your helper, a gift from God. She has borne you children, which is no small physical sacrifice. Remember, and treasure her for all that.
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